Going through the motions

Do you ever feel this way? Like all the stuff that has been so important to you, that you have worked so hard for, that you have held so dear…is just habit?

I enjoy my job, but it makes no apparent difference in the world around me. Perhaps that isn’t true. Perhaps the kids I teach will grab hold of science and discover wonderful things. But I don’t know. I usually have only an hour with each child, and I cannot tell if he or she is changed at the end of it.

I love my husband and daughter, but managing a household is so…monotonous. We have so much stuff. Too much stuff. Stuff that has no purpose, stuff that we read or watch or play with every once in awhile, stuff that fills our basement and attic and closets. I just want to throw it all away.

I joined the YMCA almost a year ago, and I’ve been exercising every week. I cook healthy food, from local sources as much as I can. But my weight keeps increasing.

I have been involved with Nebraskans for Peace for six years, and what have we accomplished? Really. We have meetings, and we hold events, and we educate ourselves about injustice but do nothing except talk about it. It is true, there have been exceptions. Collecting money and medical goods for the “Pastors for Peace” caravans to Cuba. A few people lobby our senators and representatives. But mostly we talk and say, “Isn’t it a shame?” We educate ourselves but stop short of actually fighting anything. We represent the classic white liberal, and for that I am ashamed.

I want and need to make this world better. To help. To reach out. To love. But I am discouraged. There is so much injustice. I do not know where to begin. Or how to begin. How can I love a total stranger when I cannot love my next-door neighbors?

I chose my church based on the pastor’s sermons, which are stirring and inspiring and align with my ideas about Jesus. I was hoping to find a community of faith, of fellow-seekers…but most of the time it seems more of a social club. Less of a challenge and more of a limp handshake. Again, there are exceptions. I have met at least two women whose faith, I’m sure, could move mountains. But it’s like no one want to talk about God. Hello? This is church. It’s okay to talk about faith here. That’s kind of the POINT.

I’m just feeling a little disillusioned.

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